Un antes y un después.

Pudiste haber sido, y fuiste. Pero ya no. "De tot lo que es parla, es tasta", aún sigo buscando la venda en los ojos, quizás porque todavía la llevo puesta. Te prometo que cuando hablabas de futuro lo creaba en mi mente, me creía que algún día llegaríamos lejos, juntos. De verdad que me daba igual todo el mundo, todo estaba bien si estabas a mi lado. Te convertiste en una droga, nos hicimos inseparables. Pensé que eras la pieza que faltaba en mi puzzle. Que bonito fue. Cuantos buenos momentos recuerdo, y sin embargo haces que olvide los malos. Te perdoné todas las veces, condenandome a mi misma con ello. Aquel verano me rompiste en pedazos. Y aún no los he encontrado todos. Te encajaste tú en lugar de ellos. Imaginate si duele, como cuando fuerzas dos piezas que no pertenecen al mismo objeto. Desde entonces estoy dividida. No soy yo. Te necesito, por encima de todos los precios. Malditos flashbacks, y el estómago que se revuelve. Te juro que siguen sin importarme el resto, que deseo todos los días que quien sea que esté a mi lado fueras tu. Te pasabas todos los límites, y no me refiero solo a los de velocidad. He estado mucho tiempo permitiéndote todo, y prohibiendome a mí. Cuantas veces he deseado que esto cambiara, y pensé que llegaría. Cuantas veces he llorado de rabia, por querer y no deber. De estar todo hecho una mierda he seguido confiando en que hubiera un nosotros. Que ilusa, ignorante... Ya no digo ojalá algún dia abras los ojos, porque entonces volvería contigo sin pensarlo. Ahora sé que tus ojos ya están abiertos, que esta es tu forma de vida. Y no encaja con la mía. Que te vaya bien mon amour.

To get something, it is enough to want it so bad and fight for it. Thanks God. I am where I wanna be, but just because you allow me to. And I know that if you do that it is because this is the best for me. Thank you for showing me the path that I have to follow, thank you for letting me be the happiest I can.
As always, I don't know what I was thinking, when all this happened. I just thought hey, what if I go somewhere even if it's just for 1 week? What if that would be with horses? My thoughts seemed too beautiful , too perfect to become real. I thought this would be impossible. I felt stucked to Spain, like if it didn't matter how hard I tried, I wouldn't leave until summer.   But here I am, in a plane going to my new adventure, as a working student with horses and not one week but two.  People have to understand that I'm gonna leave every time I have the smallest chance to do it. I'm sorry, but once you know what you really want in life, nothing is impossible. I deserve this. This feeling of what is wrong with me, always making my life complicated. It is gonna be worth it. That feeling in your chest of being very far away from everyone and very close to yourself. Chances are to take them. As many as you can. I'm here to follow my dreams , these dreams that make me this crazy. Let's start again.

DEADLINE

It always happens. There comes a moment  when you realise that time was flying but you didn't see it until it was too close to avoid it. Admit it, you're never gonna have enough time to do everything you want to do. No guys, you don't got time. Time is money, and as that, it comes and it goes. Being able to count the amount of days is painful. How many days you can have that diner, go to that station, meet your local friends, say hello in that language, go for a run in that path. Knowing that there is a countdown , knowing that some day it will be all over. And the worst part is that you do know the deadline. But you can't freeze the moments and you don't know how to take the most out of it. It would never be enough. So enjoy every single moment while you're abroad. Each of them has its own magic and meaning, something you won't have later. It's hard to leave, but it's even harder to come back. A piece of yourself is staying in that place, and a new you is going home. You'll take with you all those things that mattered to you during that period of time when you were away. People will tell you that you've changed, while you'll see that they haven't. You may come back with new expectations, new tastes and new hobbies. But what you used to have at home won't fit anymore.

I'm telling you this because saying goodbye hurts, but saying goodbye for good, to yourself, to what was your own life for a while, hurts more than any other.

COUCHSURFING #1

HOW TO DO CS:

-First thing you need is to be a little crazy.

-Second thing not overthinking too much.


I don't know what I was thinking about when I signed in in CS. Maybe my hippie soul was awake at that time. At first I thought it was kind of creepy because a lot of people were talking to me without any reason. The good thing is that I wanted to practice my italian, so I started to talk with this italian guy just for fun you know. But sometimes life gets a little bit more interesting and you may join. So, after 1 or 2 weeks this guy would invite me to his place. An 18 year old girl, is she crazy? Hell, yes. XD. It's so sad that girls have to be very aware and careful in the world we live, but it is what it is. It seems like I didn't care very much because I said : " I'm coming !! " . So I took a bus for 5 hours ( I have to say that at that moment I was an au pair, so I wasn't even with my family ) and arrived to this place in Italy where I've never been and where I just knew this guy from CS. Our way from the bus station to his place was 1h drive. It was also an 1h of speaking italian for the very first time in my life. In this trip, I asked to myself a hundred times how crazy am I and I said to myself a thousand times how cool this is. I spent a whole weekend with this guy, I met his family and his friends , I saw his small town, we went to party...I had a completed trip and I only spent 1€. After that experience, I decided I wanted to do couchsurfing again, it's so cool how you can meet people from other places, share each other's culture and explore a place not like a tourist, but like a local. And feeling like a local is the best way to travel. You see the real face of the new place you're in. Nowadays, I'm still in touch with my italian friend, and I think that weekend was awesome.


So guys, if you tell me traveling is expensive, it means that you don't want it bad enough. There are a lot of ways to discover new places but of course be aware (more than I am) about where you are going, luck is not always with us (but I hope it doesn't leave me alone).


I leave you the lovely breakfast I had in that trip 😛

BEING AN AU PAIR

Not once , not twice, but three times I've been an Au Pair. You would think that I love children, but the truth is that I love traveling too much and I don't have much money to just go and hang around for as long as I want. Before I came back from my exchange year in the States, I already knew I wanted to leave again. So after being only 2 months in Spain I went to Paris. The first day I was already wondering what was wrong with my life and what I was thinking when I decided to take care of children abroad. It's not the same going abroad to study than to work.
I've been an au pair in France, Italy and Finland. I'm also aware that I've been pretty lucky finding the families I've lived with. But not everything is sweet and nice. There's a side of being an au pair and going abroad that it's hard to see if you have never been one, (I will explain it better in other posts, too many things to tell).  I just suggest you to not say "Yes" to the first family you are talking with, because there are plenty but you are not gonna fit in all of them either all of them are gonna be good. But hey, You Only Live Once so sometimes you have to risk and get out of your comfort zone and talk to that family, take that airplane and start one of the biggest experiences of your life.
To sum up : This work is gonna give you a lot of free time, so your imagination may get a little crazier about all the things you can do. Make sure they are useful, because if not , you will be back at home and you will be like : "What have I actually done while I was an Au pair ?".

PS: I will tell you what I did next time ;)

BEING AN EXCHANGE STUDENT

Two words that changed my life. I was 16 years old when I took an airplane from Madrid to Philadelphia. The night before , I went to party and I found some people that I know  and they asked me: " When are you leaving? " , you can imagine their faces when I told them: " Just in a few hours ".
I bet my face was also funny when I arrived to my host family's place and they told me: "This is gonna be your home for the next 10 months." You know, at that moment my english was very poor, but I understood that sentence perfectly. Leaving is always hard , even if it was what you've always wanted. It's not the same traveling for a week than leaving for a year. You're gonna have a new place that you'll call home, you're gonna try food that maybe you've never seen, you're gonna see that life can be different from what you used to live. The first weeks I wanted to go back to Spain , I just needed someone telling me "Come back, I've booked you one flight". I'm glad that I don't have very wealthy family nor friends, because I would had failed myself. I have to admit that that year wasn't as good as I'd liked to, but I am who I am now thanks to those 10 months.  The person who leaves its hometown it is not the same person who comes back. You have in your hands the power of starting a whole new life. You are mature enough to decide how it's going to be. And you also decide how it's gonna affect you once you finish your exchange year abroad. Just enjoy every single moment. Try as many things as you can. Have a lot of first. Do things that you wouldn't dare to do before. Get crazy. Lose any kind of fears. You'll be back with all those memories, and you have no idea how proud of yourself you'll be.

MY KIND OF ADRENALIN

Leaving is like a roller coaster. It has its ups and its downs. At the beginning, you're always scared. You don't know where you're going. You don't know how it's gonna be. People are always scared of the unknown. And then you fall. By falling, I mean two ways. The first one, you enjoy it, you feel it in your tummy, then you go up again and you see a beautiful view of what you've just done. The second one, you're homesick. You miss your people, your country, your culture... But hey, I tell you it is worth it. Finally, the roller coaster is over , and you want to repeat. EVERYTHING. The fear at the beginning, the emotion during the way, and the satisfaction at the end. You know, not everyone rides on a roller coaster either not everyone leaves. Tell me how brave you are.

FIRST STEPS

Once upon a time, I went abroad. I was a child. It was funny to see how people didn't understand my mommy. When I came back home, it was nice to tell my friends everything that I saw. Guys, there are people out there who eat dinner at 7, they don't speak spanish and they don't know what iberic ham is. There are places where the buildings seem to touch the sky, and others with monuments as old as Jesus. There are roads which seem infinite. I liked it. I wanted to visit more places like those. Then, I started to realise that every place you go has its own magic. I don't know when it happened, but it became a drug. To go far away. To see things around me different from home. Every time I needed more. I wanted to explore everything. Every time I traveled I expected to come back. I needed more time abroad. Traveling is the most accurate magic that exists. I'm going to write this down to make sure I accomplish it :

                                                  I'M GOING TO TRAVEL THE WORLD