What if I don't say what if anymore

 This time I didn’t say what if.

Because I did.

Too long in a comfort zone I needed to escape from.
And so I jumped (or maybe drove) straight into the unknown.

Now I’m back on this roller coaster of feelings.
Am I crazy?
Why do I do this to myself?
I miss everything back home.

But gosh—thank you, Elena, for leaving once again.

180° life changes are my favorite addiction.
The drug that sometimes sleeps inside of me… until it decides to wake up again.

To live like a hippie for a few weeks.
To stay flexible.
To stop obsessing over time and perfection.

To live the life I always want—the one routine tries to make me forget.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss home.
But this is the best thing I could have done for myself, right now.

And now? I crave even more for next year.

Because yes—it’s going to hurt.
But it will also bring huge growth inside of me.

or will at least bring the old Elena back once again. And hopefully this time will stay.

And maybe, just maybe, this time I’ll finally see clearly and admit:

Happy hippie travel farm life.
I don’t want to play the “new modern life” game anymore.

"In another life I was..."

 Have you ever said "In another life I was..." this and that? 

I always do when I'm confident I'm good at something. 

Or when I wish so bad that this other life was the one I had chosen.

But lately, I've been wondering, why I cannot have all these different lifestyles in one

"Por qué no puedo probar distintas vidas, como quien se prueba vestidos, para ver cuál me sienta mejor y me favorece más"

I won't say it's time for a change, because honestly, it is always a good time for that.

And I promise to myself, some day I will say

I am this.

And also this.

and who knows, maybe I will start over again

to become something entirely new.

Mi Diario se llama "Deixant la Terreta"

Ni París, ni Florencia, ni Viena.

A la única que yo abandono,

es a Valencia. 

Y por esa misma razón,

Es a la única que siempre querré volver.

"There are years that ask questions and years that answer"

And 2022 has beaten a record of asking. The most often question was: Did I ever know what I want in the future? I would say yes, maybe 3/4 years ago. It's not like my goals or dreams have completely changed, but I need to start planning them more specific. It is happening to me, that someone asks me where I want to be in the next 5, 10 years and I cannot answer. 

Many people will think I pitch it strong but the ones who know me are aware that my comfort zone is getting out it. The word routine bores me just from hearing it and I always have the need to complicate my life when it's getting easier. Addicted to getting out of the comfort zone and in love with making new experiences. And at the moment I'm seeing quite a lot of things in my life that I don't like, and I'm not willing to do nothing about it. 

Before it was quite easy to say that my dream was to live abroad, to travel all over the world and to keep my "connection" with horses. But how?

My problem is that I cannot settle down on a place, as long as I haven't visit all the places which are on my bucket list. Neither can I settle down on a place, as long as I keep falling in love with some of the places I visit and the only thing that goes through my mind all the time is: "I need to stay in this country for a while". (Not forever). 

And the worse of it, it's when you cannot really open yourself to the people around you. I don't tell them all the options my future has. And the reason is, I don't want to give up again on something, just because that something may not work with my plans, when God is the only one who knows the path.

And after all these mixed thoughts, it comes a timid truth: Next to you is the only place where I could ever settle down. 

How many places I would have called home, if I didn't call you mine

Old pictures are always right

Even though we cannot see it at the beginning. Sometimes I shouldn't allow myself to see the photos I have in my external USB. As many of us, I had the feeling that some of the past years were a nightmare. What a surprise when I see my happy face in some of the memories from those years. I mean, WTF. I left, to find myself again and with that, what I always dreamed of. The first time I thought I made a mistake, the second time I was sure I got it. And not at all. The main failure was not to dedicate time to myself. I've lived a year blocked, and I think I still am. I always say it, but I don't learn from my own words: "Be careful with what you ask God for, because He will give it to you"

I left a third time, because of course I cannot stay too long in Valencia. The only difference is that this time I did wanted to stay a bit longer. And I wonder if as in the past years, I will watch the pictures from this summer and will find a smile. I don't think so. But when the pictures become old, they will show the truth. I just hope it won't be too late. 

 You're the only place where I always wanna stay

"Arriesgar lo cierto por lo incierto, para ir detrás de un sueño"

And that's what I did. Not even thinking about it once. I didn't allow myself to step back. I made the decision of leaving all my life in exchange of the unknown. I left with nothing to get everything. Many people will think I'm crazy when I quit my job in these times we are living.  And even if I was wrong about doing this, I will never regret.  This was just what I needed. After all these years, it was time for the old me to come back. I'm still finding myself, but I'm on my way. Here, I'm healing. What was bad in my life is disappearing, what was good is getting better. You know, people change, we want different things as times goes by, but are our new goals what we want or are we just being influenced? That's what I'm trying to find out here. Everything happens for a reason, and I'm looking forward for it. 

Un antes y un después.

Pudiste haber sido, y fuiste. Pero ya no. "De tot lo que es parla, es tasta", aún sigo buscando la venda en los ojos, quizás porque todavía la llevo puesta. Te prometo que cuando hablabas de futuro lo creaba en mi mente, me creía que algún día llegaríamos lejos, juntos. De verdad que me daba igual todo el mundo, todo estaba bien si estabas a mi lado. Te convertiste en una droga, nos hicimos inseparables. Pensé que eras la pieza que faltaba en mi puzzle. Que bonito fue. Cuantos buenos momentos recuerdo, y sin embargo haces que olvide los malos. Te perdoné todas las veces, condenandome a mi misma con ello. Aquel verano me rompiste en pedazos. Y aún no los he encontrado todos. Te encajaste tú en lugar de ellos. Imaginate si duele, como cuando fuerzas dos piezas que no pertenecen al mismo objeto. Desde entonces estoy dividida. No soy yo. Te necesito, por encima de todos los precios. Malditos flashbacks, y el estómago que se revuelve. Te juro que siguen sin importarme el resto, que deseo todos los días que quien sea que esté a mi lado fueras tu. Te pasabas todos los límites, y no me refiero solo a los de velocidad. He estado mucho tiempo permitiéndote todo, y prohibiendome a mí. Cuantas veces he deseado que esto cambiara, y pensé que llegaría. Cuantas veces he llorado de rabia, por querer y no deber. De estar todo hecho una mierda he seguido confiando en que hubiera un nosotros. Que ilusa, ignorante... Ya no digo ojalá algún dia abras los ojos, porque entonces volvería contigo sin pensarlo. Ahora sé que tus ojos ya están abiertos, que esta es tu forma de vida. Y no encaja con la mía. Que te vaya bien mon amour.

To get something, it is enough to want it so bad and fight for it. Thanks God. I am where I wanna be, but just because you allow me to. And I know that if you do that it is because this is the best for me. Thank you for showing me the path that I have to follow, thank you for letting me be the happiest I can.
As always, I don't know what I was thinking, when all this happened. I just thought hey, what if I go somewhere even if it's just for 1 week? What if that would be with horses? My thoughts seemed too beautiful , too perfect to become real. I thought this would be impossible. I felt stucked to Spain, like if it didn't matter how hard I tried, I wouldn't leave until summer.   But here I am, in a plane going to my new adventure, as a working student with horses and not one week but two.  People have to understand that I'm gonna leave every time I have the smallest chance to do it. I'm sorry, but once you know what you really want in life, nothing is impossible. I deserve this. This feeling of what is wrong with me, always making my life complicated. It is gonna be worth it. That feeling in your chest of being very far away from everyone and very close to yourself. Chances are to take them. As many as you can. I'm here to follow my dreams , these dreams that make me this crazy. Let's start again.

DEADLINE

It always happens. There comes a moment  when you realise that time was flying but you didn't see it until it was too close to avoid it. Admit it, you're never gonna have enough time to do everything you want to do. No guys, you don't got time. Time is money, and as that, it comes and it goes. Being able to count the amount of days is painful. How many days you can have that diner, go to that station, meet your local friends, say hello in that language, go for a run in that path. Knowing that there is a countdown , knowing that some day it will be all over. And the worst part is that you do know the deadline. But you can't freeze the moments and you don't know how to take the most out of it. It would never be enough. So enjoy every single moment while you're abroad. Each of them has its own magic and meaning, something you won't have later. It's hard to leave, but it's even harder to come back. A piece of yourself is staying in that place, and a new you is going home. You'll take with you all those things that mattered to you during that period of time when you were away. People will tell you that you've changed, while you'll see that they haven't. You may come back with new expectations, new tastes and new hobbies. But what you used to have at home won't fit anymore.

I'm telling you this because saying goodbye hurts, but saying goodbye for good, to yourself, to what was your own life for a while, hurts more than any other.

COUCHSURFING #1

HOW TO DO CS:

-First thing you need is to be a little crazy.

-Second thing not overthinking too much.


I don't know what I was thinking about when I signed in in CS. Maybe my hippie soul was awake at that time. At first I thought it was kind of creepy because a lot of people were talking to me without any reason. The good thing is that I wanted to practice my italian, so I started to talk with this italian guy just for fun you know. But sometimes life gets a little bit more interesting and you may join. So, after 1 or 2 weeks this guy would invite me to his place. An 18 year old girl, is she crazy? Hell, yes. XD. It's so sad that girls have to be very aware and careful in the world we live, but it is what it is. It seems like I didn't care very much because I said : " I'm coming !! " . So I took a bus for 5 hours ( I have to say that at that moment I was an au pair, so I wasn't even with my family ) and arrived to this place in Italy where I've never been and where I just knew this guy from CS. Our way from the bus station to his place was 1h drive. It was also an 1h of speaking italian for the very first time in my life. In this trip, I asked to myself a hundred times how crazy am I and I said to myself a thousand times how cool this is. I spent a whole weekend with this guy, I met his family and his friends , I saw his small town, we went to party...I had a completed trip and I only spent 1€. After that experience, I decided I wanted to do couchsurfing again, it's so cool how you can meet people from other places, share each other's culture and explore a place not like a tourist, but like a local. And feeling like a local is the best way to travel. You see the real face of the new place you're in. Nowadays, I'm still in touch with my italian friend, and I think that weekend was awesome.


So guys, if you tell me traveling is expensive, it means that you don't want it bad enough. There are a lot of ways to discover new places but of course be aware (more than I am) about where you are going, luck is not always with us (but I hope it doesn't leave me alone).


I leave you the lovely breakfast I had in that trip 😛

BEING AN AU PAIR

Not once , not twice, but three times I've been an Au Pair. You would think that I love children, but the truth is that I love traveling too much and I don't have much money to just go and hang around for as long as I want. Before I came back from my exchange year in the States, I already knew I wanted to leave again. So after being only 2 months in Spain I went to Paris. The first day I was already wondering what was wrong with my life and what I was thinking when I decided to take care of children abroad. It's not the same going abroad to study than to work.
I've been an au pair in France, Italy and Finland. I'm also aware that I've been pretty lucky finding the families I've lived with. But not everything is sweet and nice. There's a side of being an au pair and going abroad that it's hard to see if you have never been one, (I will explain it better in other posts, too many things to tell).  I just suggest you to not say "Yes" to the first family you are talking with, because there are plenty but you are not gonna fit in all of them either all of them are gonna be good. But hey, You Only Live Once so sometimes you have to risk and get out of your comfort zone and talk to that family, take that airplane and start one of the biggest experiences of your life.
To sum up : This work is gonna give you a lot of free time, so your imagination may get a little crazier about all the things you can do. Make sure they are useful, because if not , you will be back at home and you will be like : "What have I actually done while I was an Au pair ?".

PS: I will tell you what I did next time ;)